Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
