Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
