i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
