i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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