Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
