I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
