How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just found puke in my bra..
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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