You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
