yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She said her name was "party"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
