I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
