God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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