Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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