Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize