She went from zero to smokin in five shots
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
