Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
