would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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