1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
