Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
