dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
