i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
