u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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