Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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