I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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