I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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