I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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