can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
