I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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