he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize