i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
