The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
