"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
