After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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