if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
