swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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