Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize