Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
