He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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