I need to stop coming to work sober
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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