i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
