Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
