Soap is not a condiment
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
