New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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