My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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