def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
