So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
