Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
did i walk over a car last night?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Randomize
