When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
