Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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