Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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