The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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