haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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