You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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