I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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