so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
