Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
God I need to hump something, right now.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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