my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
