I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
